Being Authentic

There will come a day when I am glad that I have written out the thoughts that are rolling around in my mind. I am preparing to go ashore a new land. I took a visit to this shore a couple of months ago and enjoyed the scenery, the way it felt, and the thrill of trying something new. I have since decided it is a place I would like to have a home in and for now it will be a second home of sorts.

I am going ashore the land of public speaking. It is something that I doubt I am worthy of, I am afraid I will do really well in, and I enjoy in ways that feel almost guilty. There are few things I know for sure about myself, but this area is one of them. I was made to be in front of people and share a message that touches their hearts and helps improve their lives! Last fall it was a message about my personal journey of overcoming the voices that told me who I was and discovering that they lied! I continually work through this area of my thoughts in deeper levels and today is one of them.

Today, I start the countdown to an event I will be apart of at the end of July. It is just 6 weeks until a small conference room will be welcoming men and women to hear from me on subjects that I have said I know enough about that I can fill 45 minutes plus Q & A for 15! I am getting nervous. I have been preparing. I do know a lot about what I am going to be talking about, but I am getting that sick to my stomach feeling. I am battling the doubts and I am preparing by listening to some of my favorite speakers. I am replaying the topic choices over and over trying to make sure I know my stuff. I fear someone asking a question I don't know an answer to, or better yet telling me I am wrong and it didn't work for her/him they way it did for me. Since I am tackling topics like, chores around the house, teaching your children through play, and Bible memorization, I battle thoughts. Thoughts about what would people do if they saw my toilet...yesterday. Or heard me talk to my oldest...this morning. Not to mention the word I used when my middle child almost fell out of a tree the other day. They would walk out that door never to believe another word out of my mouth. But then I pick up one of the authors that I recently found and I realize I am normal and people need to hear from normal people. Brene Brown and her book The Gifts of Imperfection is mentoring me right into that conference room and onto that stage. Her research on shame, vulnerability and belonging is affirming me in ways I have only felt in my times of prayer or with a close friend. There is so much of what she is saying that is finding a home within my heart. I am so grateful for her commitment to do the research and be personally vulnerable about how her research changed her.

Now it is my turn to let the truth of her research change me. I am halfway through the book and the timing feels divine. I am having to ask myself why I feel these insecurities? What am I going to do with them? and Who can I trust to bear them with me as I go forth into the new venture? I am not going to be doing any ground breaking talk on something that no one has ever heard before. I am simply going to tell my story. And you know, that is really vulnerable. It is full of personal ways that I have failed and succeeded. I am going to present it before people I have never met and see on their faces their response. In that moment I will have to see their agreement, their reservations, and maybe their backs as they walk out the door. It is frightening, it is invigorating and I will do it!

My hope is that over the course of the next few weeks as I continue through Brene's book and prepare for the event, I will keep a journal of the fears, joys, and breakthroughs.