this shield is too heavy now

The shield of strength that is saying to those around me, "I am just fine, as I now take on a new identity" is too much to hold anymore. I am crushing under the pressure. The pressure is this - communicating a perceived strength that says to those who are watching and listening, that this major life change has just been a ripple in the water of our lives.

In the last few weeks I became a public school mom. I am continuing to be a homeschool mom to my younger two. I have great amount of knowledge about who I am as the homeschool mom, but I have no idea what I am doing as a public school mom. I can put on a pretty good act, I have common sense, and I am confident in our decision. BUT, I have no idea what going to public school is like. No concept of the type of schedule they have, or how to maneuver the online access and that people is just the logistical side. If we move over to the emotional, psychological side I am swimming against a great current and I am getting very tired. Please don't go to a place where you *think* you know what I am swimming against, because it probably has nothing to do with the school. The school is doing what they need to do to manage about 1,200 kids that come through the door everyday. What I am swimming against is a current that I was swimming in for a very long time.

You see, I am a homeschool graduate and I have only homeschooled my kids. I have a ton of friends who homeschool and we have conferences, night outs, and support groups to encourage/challenge each other in the choice that we have made. My ten year old has been with me since the day she was born, she did not even go to pre-school. We have participated in art classes, gymnastics, and a one day a week academy of the arts school, but all of these events were filled with people who were homeschoolers.  The mentality of most of the people in this circle of friends stems from the place where they believe wholeheartedly in what they are doing. Some feel as if everyone should homeschool, but it is also filled with others who are pretty confident there are some who shouldn't. I have always said I was someone who believed it wasn't for everyone. Since this has been so much a part of who I was growing up and now who I have been as a mother the idea of putting my oldest into school was shocking. All that I was confident in, said to others, and demonstrated to my kids was being challenged. Even though I always prayed about what we should do each year regarding each of our children, a gentle prompting from our children's pastor encouraged me to see if there was another way. Praying and seeking out what our next school year would be was...well, revealing!

Imagine, if you will, some of the conversations I have had with my circle of friends, family, and to be honest myself. They have been lively, heartfelt, and challenging. I have seen areas of judgement in my heart, assumptions in my view of the "other life", and honesty from those who have walked where I haven't. When I had talked it to death and the voices had been heard, I tried to process all of the data. And the emotions. I prayed, cried, and began to see some faulty reasoning in my heart about God. I won't ever forget sitting on the edge of my bed crying and telling Larry, "but I don't want her to blame me, it would just be easier if God just said -this is what you will do- then we could blame him when it goes bad." shoot- did that just come out. I found myself having to explore why when feeling so much pressure that is what surfaced. Can I just say that being a parent is something that you can try so hard to be prepared for, but like anything in life you have got to go through some things to learn about them. You just can't know everything and you won't be ready for everything that comes your way. We do have a hope that is an anchor for the soul in these times, and I am beginning to see that it is in these moments that I discover the depth to which that anchor holds.

My man being the level headed, faith leader that he is decided that we would take a week to pray every morning together about this decision. By Thursday, I knew. In the deep places of my heart I knew going to public school was the decision for our girl this year.

It took about three months before we made our final decision and told our rising 5th grader. At that point we had about a month until school started. We had a great time enjoying the final weeks of summer. We talked about what school might be like. We prayed for her and with her. We went back to school shopping! I spent a lot of time trying to not worry about the school year ahead and then the countdown began. 4 days until her first day.

My strong, confident ten year old girl told us she wanted to ride the bus. She set her own alarm. She put together her own list of outfits to wear throughout the week. She sharpened her pencils, packed her backpack and was 30 steps ahead of me all the way to the bus stop. This Momma started swimming with a whole new school of fish.

Being Authentic

There will come a day when I am glad that I have written out the thoughts that are rolling around in my mind. I am preparing to go ashore a new land. I took a visit to this shore a couple of months ago and enjoyed the scenery, the way it felt, and the thrill of trying something new. I have since decided it is a place I would like to have a home in and for now it will be a second home of sorts.

I am going ashore the land of public speaking. It is something that I doubt I am worthy of, I am afraid I will do really well in, and I enjoy in ways that feel almost guilty. There are few things I know for sure about myself, but this area is one of them. I was made to be in front of people and share a message that touches their hearts and helps improve their lives! Last fall it was a message about my personal journey of overcoming the voices that told me who I was and discovering that they lied! I continually work through this area of my thoughts in deeper levels and today is one of them.

Today, I start the countdown to an event I will be apart of at the end of July. It is just 6 weeks until a small conference room will be welcoming men and women to hear from me on subjects that I have said I know enough about that I can fill 45 minutes plus Q & A for 15! I am getting nervous. I have been preparing. I do know a lot about what I am going to be talking about, but I am getting that sick to my stomach feeling. I am battling the doubts and I am preparing by listening to some of my favorite speakers. I am replaying the topic choices over and over trying to make sure I know my stuff. I fear someone asking a question I don't know an answer to, or better yet telling me I am wrong and it didn't work for her/him they way it did for me. Since I am tackling topics like, chores around the house, teaching your children through play, and Bible memorization, I battle thoughts. Thoughts about what would people do if they saw my toilet...yesterday. Or heard me talk to my oldest...this morning. Not to mention the word I used when my middle child almost fell out of a tree the other day. They would walk out that door never to believe another word out of my mouth. But then I pick up one of the authors that I recently found and I realize I am normal and people need to hear from normal people. Brene Brown and her book The Gifts of Imperfection is mentoring me right into that conference room and onto that stage. Her research on shame, vulnerability and belonging is affirming me in ways I have only felt in my times of prayer or with a close friend. There is so much of what she is saying that is finding a home within my heart. I am so grateful for her commitment to do the research and be personally vulnerable about how her research changed her.

Now it is my turn to let the truth of her research change me. I am halfway through the book and the timing feels divine. I am having to ask myself why I feel these insecurities? What am I going to do with them? and Who can I trust to bear them with me as I go forth into the new venture? I am not going to be doing any ground breaking talk on something that no one has ever heard before. I am simply going to tell my story. And you know, that is really vulnerable. It is full of personal ways that I have failed and succeeded. I am going to present it before people I have never met and see on their faces their response. In that moment I will have to see their agreement, their reservations, and maybe their backs as they walk out the door. It is frightening, it is invigorating and I will do it!

My hope is that over the course of the next few weeks as I continue through Brene's book and prepare for the event, I will keep a journal of the fears, joys, and breakthroughs.