The shield of strength that is saying to those around me, "I am just fine, as I now take on a new identity" is too much to hold anymore. I am crushing under the pressure. The pressure is this - communicating a perceived strength that says to those who are watching and listening, that this major life change has just been a ripple in the water of our lives.
In the last few weeks I became a public school mom. I am continuing to be a homeschool mom to my younger two. I have great amount of knowledge about who I am as the homeschool mom, but I have no idea what I am doing as a public school mom. I can put on a pretty good act, I have common sense, and I am confident in our decision. BUT, I have no idea what going to public school is like. No concept of the type of schedule they have, or how to maneuver the online access and that people is just the logistical side. If we move over to the emotional, psychological side I am swimming against a great current and I am getting very tired. Please don't go to a place where you *think* you know what I am swimming against, because it probably has nothing to do with the school. The school is doing what they need to do to manage about 1,200 kids that come through the door everyday. What I am swimming against is a current that I was swimming
in for a very long time.
You see, I am a homeschool graduate and I have only homeschooled my kids. I have a ton of friends who homeschool and we have conferences, night outs, and support groups to encourage/challenge each other in the choice that we have made. My ten year old has been with me since the day she was born, she did not even go to pre-school. We have participated in art classes, gymnastics, and a one day a week academy of the arts school, but all of these events were filled with people who were homeschoolers. The mentality of most of the people in this circle of friends stems from the place where they believe wholeheartedly in what they are doing. Some feel as if everyone should homeschool, but it is also filled with others who are pretty confident there are some who shouldn't. I have always said I was someone who believed it wasn't for everyone. Since this has been so much a part of who I was growing up and now who I have been as a mother the idea of putting my oldest into school was shocking. All that I was confident in, said to others, and demonstrated to my kids was being challenged. Even though I always prayed about what we should do each year regarding each of our children, a gentle prompting from our children's pastor encouraged me to see if there was another way. Praying and seeking out what our next school year would be was...well, revealing!
Imagine, if you will, some of the conversations I have had with my circle of friends, family, and to be honest myself. They have been lively, heartfelt, and challenging. I have seen areas of judgement in my heart, assumptions in my view of the "other life", and honesty from those who have walked where I haven't. When I had talked it to death and the voices had been heard, I tried to process all of the data. And the emotions. I prayed, cried, and began to see some faulty reasoning in my heart about God. I won't ever forget sitting on the edge of my bed crying and telling Larry, "but I don't want her to blame me, it would just be easier if God just said -this is what you will do- then we could blame him when it goes bad." shoot- did that just come out. I found myself having to explore why when feeling so much pressure that is what surfaced. Can I just say that being a parent is something that you can try so hard to be prepared for, but like anything in life you have got to go through some things to learn about them. You just can't know everything and you won't be ready for everything that comes your way. We do have a hope that is an anchor for the soul in these times, and I am beginning to see that it is in these moments that I discover the depth to which that anchor holds.
My man being the level headed, faith leader that he is decided that we would take a week to pray every morning together about this decision. By Thursday, I knew. In the deep places of my heart I knew going to public school was the decision for our girl this year.
It took about three months before we made our final decision and told our rising 5th grader. At that point we had about a month until school started. We had a great time enjoying the final weeks of summer. We talked about what school might be like. We prayed for her and with her. We went back to school shopping! I spent a lot of time trying to not worry about the school year ahead and then the countdown began. 4 days until her first day.
My strong, confident ten year old girl told us she wanted to ride the bus. She set her own alarm. She put together her own list of outfits to wear throughout the week. She sharpened her pencils, packed her backpack and was 30 steps ahead of me all the way to the bus stop. This Momma started swimming with a whole new school of fish.
