this shield is too heavy now

The shield of strength that is saying to those around me, "I am just fine, as I now take on a new identity" is too much to hold anymore. I am crushing under the pressure. The pressure is this - communicating a perceived strength that says to those who are watching and listening, that this major life change has just been a ripple in the water of our lives.

In the last few weeks I became a public school mom. I am continuing to be a homeschool mom to my younger two. I have great amount of knowledge about who I am as the homeschool mom, but I have no idea what I am doing as a public school mom. I can put on a pretty good act, I have common sense, and I am confident in our decision. BUT, I have no idea what going to public school is like. No concept of the type of schedule they have, or how to maneuver the online access and that people is just the logistical side. If we move over to the emotional, psychological side I am swimming against a great current and I am getting very tired. Please don't go to a place where you *think* you know what I am swimming against, because it probably has nothing to do with the school. The school is doing what they need to do to manage about 1,200 kids that come through the door everyday. What I am swimming against is a current that I was swimming in for a very long time.

You see, I am a homeschool graduate and I have only homeschooled my kids. I have a ton of friends who homeschool and we have conferences, night outs, and support groups to encourage/challenge each other in the choice that we have made. My ten year old has been with me since the day she was born, she did not even go to pre-school. We have participated in art classes, gymnastics, and a one day a week academy of the arts school, but all of these events were filled with people who were homeschoolers.  The mentality of most of the people in this circle of friends stems from the place where they believe wholeheartedly in what they are doing. Some feel as if everyone should homeschool, but it is also filled with others who are pretty confident there are some who shouldn't. I have always said I was someone who believed it wasn't for everyone. Since this has been so much a part of who I was growing up and now who I have been as a mother the idea of putting my oldest into school was shocking. All that I was confident in, said to others, and demonstrated to my kids was being challenged. Even though I always prayed about what we should do each year regarding each of our children, a gentle prompting from our children's pastor encouraged me to see if there was another way. Praying and seeking out what our next school year would be was...well, revealing!

Imagine, if you will, some of the conversations I have had with my circle of friends, family, and to be honest myself. They have been lively, heartfelt, and challenging. I have seen areas of judgement in my heart, assumptions in my view of the "other life", and honesty from those who have walked where I haven't. When I had talked it to death and the voices had been heard, I tried to process all of the data. And the emotions. I prayed, cried, and began to see some faulty reasoning in my heart about God. I won't ever forget sitting on the edge of my bed crying and telling Larry, "but I don't want her to blame me, it would just be easier if God just said -this is what you will do- then we could blame him when it goes bad." shoot- did that just come out. I found myself having to explore why when feeling so much pressure that is what surfaced. Can I just say that being a parent is something that you can try so hard to be prepared for, but like anything in life you have got to go through some things to learn about them. You just can't know everything and you won't be ready for everything that comes your way. We do have a hope that is an anchor for the soul in these times, and I am beginning to see that it is in these moments that I discover the depth to which that anchor holds.

My man being the level headed, faith leader that he is decided that we would take a week to pray every morning together about this decision. By Thursday, I knew. In the deep places of my heart I knew going to public school was the decision for our girl this year.

It took about three months before we made our final decision and told our rising 5th grader. At that point we had about a month until school started. We had a great time enjoying the final weeks of summer. We talked about what school might be like. We prayed for her and with her. We went back to school shopping! I spent a lot of time trying to not worry about the school year ahead and then the countdown began. 4 days until her first day.

My strong, confident ten year old girl told us she wanted to ride the bus. She set her own alarm. She put together her own list of outfits to wear throughout the week. She sharpened her pencils, packed her backpack and was 30 steps ahead of me all the way to the bus stop. This Momma started swimming with a whole new school of fish.

I think I will start with a story

When it comes to grabbing an audiences attention:

Do I start with a story?

How about a joke?

My accomplishments? Umm, I stay-at-home with my kids and I haven't killed them?!

No, seriously. It is in those first few moments that I will be able to capture the attention of my audience. I have thought of some pretty funny things. Apron and gloves with a broom for the chore workshop. Recitation of scripture for the Bible workshop. Crazy hair like I had pulled it out and a messy desk behind me for the Organization workshop. Of course, all of those were dismissed. I like to look cute even when it comes to my pj's, so I am going to stick with normal and try and tantalize them with something other then the theatrical side of myself.

I moved on to a more technical side of public speaking and decided what I really needed was a good PowerPoint. Great quotes, photos, and bullet points. I pulled out my computer and when an hour passed and I had only successfully planned out five slides I decided that was going to be a complete waste of my time. Because, for real, computers break down all the time. The scarcity part of me said my laptop would crash the day of.

I moved on to thinking about speakers that I admire and love to listen to. One thing they have in common is that they are storytellers. They introduce who they are and they quickly move into a story that relates to the topic. It usually involves something that causes them to be perceived as human. As the audience laughs, relaxes, and nods their head in agreement they move on to the real reason they have taken center stage. I have gone through so many files in my mind of stories I could share and that is why I am not sleeping. All is quiet and I am laying in bed replaying all of these memories of the last ten years raising kids, and the twenty four before that being a kid. I know the one will come to me and possibly hasn't even been written yet, but i think I have decided...

I am going to start with a story.

The Simple Tradition

I went to visit my Great Gram in the mountains of NC this week. I have visited those mountains since I was about 3 or 4 years old. I hadn't planned to go this year, it just happened to work out for the kids and I to go for two nights. A short drive up Hwy 85 and then back roads through SC and NC lead me to this treasured place. At the beginning none of us knew it would hold such a place within our hearts, but it happened slow and steady. Year after year a decision to go and spend time with Gram and Grandad has now developed into a summer tradition that is carrying on to a third generation of Keyes descendants. As I have looked over the pictures and replayed the memories in my mind I have realized that the mountains and the activities we do are so simple. So simple in fact that most would be bored by the details. Here is where I have been meditating since our return. How and why do visits to a creek, hikes to waterfalls, and scoops of Kilwin's ice cream make for a solid place within my being that steadies me. Moments of sitting and listening to the sounds of the creek, while watching for the hummingbirds that Gram affectionately names every year, causes those who visit to slow down and breath. The snuggling in the evening, because of the chill that comes after sunset reminds me to hug a little more the ones that I hold so dear.  moving to the mountains for the summer is the life that they chose, and it can be found in my day to day as well. Gram and Grandad lived out their summers in a place that was beautiful, but was filled with daily routine. They ate, cleaned, played, fought and made up. It isn't that the mountains are magical, it's that the people and the times spent there are valued, treasured, and longing to be shared. Visits to their home communicated to my heart that I was important,  that the earth around us was meant to be explored, and that I was apart of something bigger then myself. Simple walks to places around that area are familiar to me as the ones I am walking with, and they have become the foundation to why I am making the decisions I do today. Ordinary moments adding up to a firm, extraordinary hold upon my heart that no one can take away. It is in me, apart of who I am, and guiding me to the important in my day to day. This ordinary life adds up and I am trying hard to make that connection in the deep places of my heart as I face the the day to day struggles within my home.
I am finding some resolve and it sounds a little like this:

Living and being engaged with those around you
Work hard and rest
Argue and forgive
Simple tasks done faithfully
Get outdoors

I am longing to do something meaningful in this life, and I am slowly coming to the realization that living well in my day to day is probably the most meaningful thing I will do. It is no small thing, its the biggest decision I will make. Thank goodness the Lord's mercies are new every morning, so that I can make it daily

Being Authentic

There will come a day when I am glad that I have written out the thoughts that are rolling around in my mind. I am preparing to go ashore a new land. I took a visit to this shore a couple of months ago and enjoyed the scenery, the way it felt, and the thrill of trying something new. I have since decided it is a place I would like to have a home in and for now it will be a second home of sorts.

I am going ashore the land of public speaking. It is something that I doubt I am worthy of, I am afraid I will do really well in, and I enjoy in ways that feel almost guilty. There are few things I know for sure about myself, but this area is one of them. I was made to be in front of people and share a message that touches their hearts and helps improve their lives! Last fall it was a message about my personal journey of overcoming the voices that told me who I was and discovering that they lied! I continually work through this area of my thoughts in deeper levels and today is one of them.

Today, I start the countdown to an event I will be apart of at the end of July. It is just 6 weeks until a small conference room will be welcoming men and women to hear from me on subjects that I have said I know enough about that I can fill 45 minutes plus Q & A for 15! I am getting nervous. I have been preparing. I do know a lot about what I am going to be talking about, but I am getting that sick to my stomach feeling. I am battling the doubts and I am preparing by listening to some of my favorite speakers. I am replaying the topic choices over and over trying to make sure I know my stuff. I fear someone asking a question I don't know an answer to, or better yet telling me I am wrong and it didn't work for her/him they way it did for me. Since I am tackling topics like, chores around the house, teaching your children through play, and Bible memorization, I battle thoughts. Thoughts about what would people do if they saw my toilet...yesterday. Or heard me talk to my oldest...this morning. Not to mention the word I used when my middle child almost fell out of a tree the other day. They would walk out that door never to believe another word out of my mouth. But then I pick up one of the authors that I recently found and I realize I am normal and people need to hear from normal people. Brene Brown and her book The Gifts of Imperfection is mentoring me right into that conference room and onto that stage. Her research on shame, vulnerability and belonging is affirming me in ways I have only felt in my times of prayer or with a close friend. There is so much of what she is saying that is finding a home within my heart. I am so grateful for her commitment to do the research and be personally vulnerable about how her research changed her.

Now it is my turn to let the truth of her research change me. I am halfway through the book and the timing feels divine. I am having to ask myself why I feel these insecurities? What am I going to do with them? and Who can I trust to bear them with me as I go forth into the new venture? I am not going to be doing any ground breaking talk on something that no one has ever heard before. I am simply going to tell my story. And you know, that is really vulnerable. It is full of personal ways that I have failed and succeeded. I am going to present it before people I have never met and see on their faces their response. In that moment I will have to see their agreement, their reservations, and maybe their backs as they walk out the door. It is frightening, it is invigorating and I will do it!

My hope is that over the course of the next few weeks as I continue through Brene's book and prepare for the event, I will keep a journal of the fears, joys, and breakthroughs.

Truths about time gone by

Last night, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of ladies about an issue of the heart that so many people deal with-negative self talk. I had the ladies do an exercise at the end where we took a look at some of what we are saying to ourselves negatively and then asked the Lord to reveal truth. We had some time to search our hearts and I participated as well. An area that came to my mind was a lie that I say occasionally depending on the day, event or where we are in the school year, which is, "You are not very good at follow through, you can have a lot of good ideas, but when it comes down to finishing them well, you lack follow through." As we broke off into groups to pray for one another I didn't hear or see anything that said the opposite or encouraged me in any way. I figured I would probably need to spend some more time on it in my personal times of prayer and reflection. Waking up this morning, we went about our routine  day and I found myself having a heavy heart. It was enough to bring tears to my eyes as I was driving. Not really knowing why, I prayed aloud with the kids, turning my heart toward the things that I had to be grateful for, and trusted that it would come to me, in time. 
After class, I decided to check on my blog which I had not done in quite some time. It has taken a back seat to instagram, FB, and my recent decision to go back to school. I found something there that touched my heart and brought me to tears. I found evidence that clearly proved I do have follow through. I didn't have to scroll very far to find it. It was in those precious little faces that I spend every day with. Those little ones that I asked and dreamed about as a little girl. The evidence of time spent together, teaching them, creating with them, loving them, getting frustrated and saying I'm sorry to them and a host of other day to day events. I saw a husband by my side who is still by my side, because we have chosen to follow through for 10+ years to a commitment we made to one another. I write tonight with a  grateful heart that a lie has been exposed and the truth was made evident. 

Headwrap craft

Gina's Birthday!!

Friends came in from out of town to surprise Gina! Saji was one of them. We all met at La Madeline then headed to karaoke. We love us some karaoke. There is a great place close by that we go to periodically for a late night of singing our guts out and dancing!

 Sweet Pam. She and her husband are back from overseas and are pregnant. We have known her since she was single and believing God for her husband. Now she has both a hubby and a baby!

Tina and Kaboa came in for a surprise birthday visit

We love you Gina!

 My Man. I really like this photo of us.

 Nichole and Becca in the background

The boys. Who knows?!...its the music. It gets to us.

Gina who recently has moved towards vegetarian eating decided to indulge in a small burger ;)

Easter crafts

We don't know who had more fun. Nana and Aunt Dawn or the kids. It has been wonderful to have so much time with Aunt Dawn this year!

Making bird nests with butterscotch and robin's eggs

Our little Ninja's special Day

 He woke up and received his frist gift. A new ninja dress up outfit. He slept in it...but are you surprised?!

I asked Aunt Katie to help out with the party. She and I without discussing showed up in the same outift. But she has got all the right moves ;)

Most of the Turner family was able to be there at the last minute except Uncle Ret. But he made up for it with a very nice ninjago lego set that E has played with nonstop since.

Micah...Evan's Best friend!

 We had the kids go through a seried of challenges where they would earn different parts of their attire. We asked them all to come in as much black as possible. I bought some fabirc and ripped it into strips and that was what they earned for the first challenge.

3-legged race 

 Handsome Ninja. Soaking up the fact that it was all about him that day.

One of the challenges Daddy led. It was a climb up the spider rope. That is how they earned their headwrap.

Ethan was very happy!

Ethan's Mom, Jessica, is an amazing photographer. She took some of the photos from the party. She and her husband are trying to raise money for their adoption. They will come and take photos at your event then ask you to only donate what is on your heart towards their adoption. You can visit them at www.ourredthread.com 

Preparations for a Birthday

Evan decided on THE birthday theme and we had a great time as a family getting everything ready. First we got on Pinterest and he showed me all of the things he liked and from there we decided what was his favorite. He really liked the cake pops and the headwraps. I have to admit I talked him into the sushi ;)

We made our invitations. They each got to make a few and then I finished them up. This was an afternoon family project that really tried my patience. I would love to say I was just so happy that we were all working together and having fun but that would be a lie. I had to take a few breaks to the bathroom to look in the mirror and tell my self it doesn't have to be perfect. I even growled at one point when the front got glued to the back and then the glue got on more then one of our arms and we were starting to get pressed for time. So don't let all the happy faces fool you. We have to go through not so pretty to appreciate the good ...right ?!

Katherine made the rice krispies almost entirely by herself

After a trip to Joann's with coupons and three kids in tow...twice. We started the head wraps. I was so excited about this project. When we sat down to start I looked up on my phone some of the ninja symbols. Because of how thin the material was and how bright my phone was, we placed it under the wrap and traced with pencil onto each head wrap. This made it so easy for the kids to all get involved. This is the head wrap Evan made and I am being honest when I tell you I barely helped him. This was a hugely redemptive day after the fiasco of the invitations!

Finished sushi snack. Fruit roll ups, rice krispie and swedish fish :)