Tonight

I am sitting here in a house not mine, in a bed not mine and I am catching up on blogs of lives that are not mine. This all makes me think. I see images about beauty and hardship. I read about dreams dashed and ones being fulfilled. I long to do something that is of value. To make an impact in a way that will feel like more then just being a good wife, mother and friend. Please hear me those are all very important and I am so very grateful to the women who are great examples to me in those areas. My life right now has 3 littles that are very dependent on me.  When I feel like I do the same thing everyday at about the same time everyday a heart longs for more. I believe I also feel this way because we just came off of an amazing 9 week trip. We saw so many things and experienced  life on the road like I had never done before. So it is quite likely I could be dealing with some let down.

Something deeper is drawing me. A desire to be able to honestly say "I would leave it all if it meant that a life could be changed" Right now I can't and it makes me sad. I try to weigh and balance things and give myself good reasons to be stable, you know, for the kids. To wait until they are old enough to understand the sacrifices we are making/choosing for our family. To be "wise" and not over commit in case its not something we can handle. Asking myself can you really do this? Leave all that you know and love to go where you would know no one.  All of this stems from the many conversations we are having at this house about the possibility of us going to Honduras. Nothing is definite but I DEFINITELY know we are getting ready to do something. The where and then when is what hasn't been revealed. Quite honestly it could be that we move to the inner city and start living amongst the people, it could mean moving to another state but I don't think it really matters where right now. What matters is that I am daily making myself available to the tug on my heart that is getting me prepared for that moment. In my short life of 31 years I have done so much. Been privileged to have a father who at the age of 10 sent me on my first mission trip to Spain. Almost every Summer there after he found other trips for me to take and then when I was 20 took all five of his kids on a 8 week trip to Australia to help bring the gospel to the world as they gathered for the Olympics. I have helped lead trips in my twenties and as a married couple we found out we were pregnant on a mission trip to Peru. At this moment I know with every fiber of my being that I was NOT created to stay in one place. I love to take the kids all over. Even if it does take us over 19 hours in a snowstorm. (love you Mom for being there with me)

As I sit here and reflect at the things I have been apart of I am gathering strength from the divine plan that was set in motion the day I was conceived and even farther back then that, when at the beginning of time the Lord knew my name and wanted to form me in my mothers womb to fulfill the things He had planned for me to do. I am finding my footing as I prepare to take the next step toward  a destination that ultimately is found seated with my Father in heaven. I want to be a pleasure to Him in all that I do here on earth. I so desperately want to know His heart for me, for my children and for others. What can He say through me that they would otherwise not hear? What friendship can a I bring to a lonely heart? What meal can I give to a starving stomach? What beauty can I show to the one who finds herself filthy because of the way she has been abused? There are too many out there in need of someone to share their burden and I am determined that whether it is in my neighborhood, the next town over or in another country. I want to be the one who will share that load. I am again committing myself to the call that I heard deep down in my heart many years ago to follow Him wherever He may lead!